Friday, January 20, 2017

Vulnerability: Hopefully A Message for Hope

I struggle.

I struggle with feeling unwanted.

I struggle with loving myself, because it's so damned difficult all of the freaking time.

I'm not a very happy person, yet I try so hard to maintain a brave face.

I find it so hard to have fun, because I have to be so careful... I often feel as if I'm going to get hurt if I'm too loud, too quiet, too passionate, to detached. I have to constantly work to be in some middle ground attempting to be accepted ,to be liked. I am the worst of people-pleasers. And every day it's difficult for me to get ready for my day... but I remember I have people counting on me. I have people that tell me I brighten their day. That my shining smile makes their day improve tenfold, and it makes me want to get out of bed, and face the day head on.

The worst thing someone can say to me is "You need to calm down." when I'm talking about something I'm passionate about. Whether it be books, or books, or more books, or the occasional Netflix show or whatever I am passionate about at that time. Maybe those people don't realize they feed into my self-doubt so much so that I have to reevaluate if this is really worth it. If showing my passion is something worth the strange looks. [Of course it damn is] but when your passions are diminished it is painful. It is dreadful. It's the feeling of being unwanted, and that the things you care about aren't worth caring about.... And that hurts.

So everyday, I work harder to find happiness in the little things I experience in every day life, and even though I struggle... most days I do find something.

Last night, I was in a rough moment in time, that was completely a misunderstanding, but that doesn't diminish the pain that was felt because of that.

But today, I have a new flame lit underneath my ass, to take today by storm, just like I'll eventually take the world by storm. [and yes, wise one, I'm definitely referencing Lukas Graham right now] But today of all days, a day I thought I would feel completely hopeless, I just want to prove to myself that I can and will make it through. I have stories to write, and people to love.

I know that my feelings are real.

I want you all to know that no matter how you feel, how you are feeling towards whatever situation is arising at this very moment [whether it be more personal, or fear for this election, which I am feeling wholeheartedly.] I want you to know that it is real. And that it's okay you are feeling this way. [I wish we didn't have to]

If we stand together, imagine the power we could have. Imagine what we could do, what we could get through.

I love you.

I'm here to hold  your hand. To give you hug. To call out your bullshit. To love you wholeheartedly. To smile, and laugh, and be friends.

Together, we can get through anything.

I believe in us.

We got this.

So today, as we struggle to make it through the day... remember that together, we can do this. Somehow, someway, we will.

Let's do this.

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