Friday, August 11, 2017

A Coming Out Letter

Here we are, this is finally happening. And it feels so so good to do this.

I'd like to preface this with the fact that this isn't easy to write. But it's been weighing on me.

For years.
And years.
And years.

Point is, a very long time. Probably since middle school. Maybe late elementary if I'm being honest with y'all which is the point of this:

I want to be honest and transparent with you and me. With everyone I know. I want this to be there.

If this effects how you see me, so be it. But I'm the same Cody y'all know. Just... even more me. I cant take it any longer having to pretend to be something in not around the people I love.

So here we go:

I'm gay.

Well, technically... I'm not. But for ease of understanding I am. It's close enough, for the sake of y'all getting who I am. So, I'm gay. More specifically I identify as biromantic and gray-ace.

Don't understand what this means? That's okay. It differs based on the person but to make it easy to understand:

1.  I'm romantically attracted to more than one gender. I'm willing to have a romantic relationship with just about anyone, honestly. I don't know how to really explain it, it just fits me.
2. My sexual attraction [at least to me] is a little less than most people's. I could also identify as demisexual, because either one works for me. Gray-ace basically means [to me] that I sometimes experience sexual attraction. Sometimes it's the way a normal person would. Other times- It's really not. More often than not I'm not interested in sex. It just doesn't appeal to me.
3. When I do have that sexual attraction I am usually attracted to men. Usually those I have developed some sort of close relationship with in some other form [this is why demisexual also works for me, because it Is when you experience sexual attraction once you already have a connection with said person]

Sexuality is a very fluid thing and it changes. But I do know this: I find boys to be beautiful, and if that's something you find wrong- I apologize for your ignorance.

This is very important to me and a central part to who I am. I'm probably not going to marry a woman- it's just unlikely. But I want children. I am still the same me. I'm still Cody Roecker the boy who likes to read a lot. The boy who loves cinnamon rolls and is obsessed with owls and trees.

I'm a boy who loves to love and knows that a lot of people in his life might leave him after this. And that's why it's so hard to write this. So hard to post it. So hard to let you all see the real me.


When everyone you know always assumes straight to be the default, when everyone assumes because I am a man that I am going to fall in love with a woman?

I'm sorry to disappoint all of you- it's likely not going to happen.

I want to kiss boys. Okay?

If you can't accept that, I'm not sure I want you in my life more than you want me in yours. I am not going to put time into relationships that don't want me to be 100% me.

I hope y'all understand that.

I love you all. I love you dearly. And I hope this doesn't change a thing- it really shouldn't anyways.

Y'all know I'm a compassionate, empathetic person- so please try to be so too. Try to understand where I'm coming from- how I'm feeling.

I'm not straight.

I don't think I ever was.

Although I did believe myself bisexual for awhile.

Also: i prefer to use the word queer to self identify because it's the easiest umbrella term that doesn't force me to explain what my other identities mean. If you understand them, go ahead and use them. But when people ask me, I'll probably say I'm queer. It's just easier that way.

I hope y'all still love me.

I'm just trying to be me.

What could be wrong with that?

All the love,

Cody <3

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Poetry of sorts, I guess.

I think the hardest thing for me
is being vulnerable
when it's so much easier
to pretend
to create false realities
to act as if

Sometimes things are simple
they make sense and flow naturally.
But other times,
struggles pile up
difficulty upon difficulty
manifesting into a monster
of depression
and anxiety
and horrors
that burrow into your brain
planting their seeds of doubt
until they've grown a forest
of insecurities.


I wish it wasn't hard for me to smile,
to breathe without worry
to be happy.
But it is, most the time.
It doesn't matter how
privileged I was growing up
or all the opportunities I've received
that doesn't account for the
depression, anxiety, and molestation I've faced
Appearances don't equal reality
not always at least
And it's hard to tell the truth from impressions
because rarely do the two match up.

I feel bad for those that
judge before getting to know a person
that believe the worst
in everyone
And while I'm guilty of those things too
Humanity at it's heart
is good
a chaotic good
but good all the same.

And as much as I complain
I love humans
I love what they represent
And as hard as life is sometimes
Now is one of those moments
when I believe that
life is beautiful
and I love people
And think they're lovely
and way better than we often credit them for.

Love is love is love is love
why not spread a little more of it?


Today marks nine years since you were a part of my life
And I couldn't be happier to say that
I am free from the chains you put on me
I can breathe once again.

I don't think of you daily anymore
Instead fleeting moments of memories
that plague me, rotting the little happiness I possess

I'm glad you're out of my life.

I'm finally learning to trust again because of it.

- this is recovery