The pressure inside of my head is building up like sedimentary rock getting stronger as it pushes itself into the layer before it. Like the rock, my head is filled with many facets of pain that aren’t all visible on the surface.
On the outside, you have my smiling face, my enamoring giggle, my sad eyes that illuminate and draw people in.
On the inside you have the realities of the world. You have the beautiful nightmare, the corrupt swirls of something that looks beautiful, but has a hole in the center, a black hole, that sucks every last thing up into it.
On the outside you have my fuzzy exterior, my chubby cheeks, my thick body, my larger-than-life personality.
On the inside you would be able to see how I feel about all of that… That I hate it all. I love the comfort I provide others, but do I love myself?
On the outside you have my facade, of a perfect, happy life.
On the inside you have the effects of depression, presenting itself in the form of a tumor, growing ever so slightly, and every time we cut a little bit off, or we think it’s finally going away, it grows, stronger, bigger, more protruding into my everyday life. I cannot escape it, no matter how much I try.
But anymore, I cannot tell what is on the inside and what is on the outside, the two parts of my existence have begun to bleed into one, and I am fearful of what it could mean. I am afraid of what could happen to me. I am frightened.
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